Riverdale - Witness for the Prosecution

Discussing Ep. 4.5

- Yes, Jughead. Riverdale is getting the hero it deserves. That hero is Archie. He's an idiot. He's a buffoon with anger management issues. He truly is the hero that that backwater town deserves!

- So let me get this straight. Not only is Archie a full-time high school student but also the owner and operator of a community centre for troubled youths.....and add to that he's now a crime-fighting vigilante by night! When does he sleep or eat? Even Bruce Wayne limited himself to being just Batman and left Wayne Enterprises to be run by somebody else!

- And, pray tell, what is this idiotic woman doing?

What intelligent person figures to themselves "Yeah, I'll just go down this seedy, dark alley in the dead of night by myself so that I'm a prime target to be robbed and assaulted!" Like I said, Riverdale residents deserve an idiot like Archie because they are all idiots too!

- Oh, for fuck's sakes! How is Archie in a balaclava at all scary? And isn't it ironic that Archie is essentially dressed like the Black Hood, the same guy who almost killed Fred Andrews and Archie was obsessed with killing? Now Archie is essentially paying homage to him. Nice!

- AHA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! I wasn't expecting that! Good on that woman for spraying Archie with mace! She's my favourite character in this episode.

- It also annoys me that Jug is narrating this as though he knows what is going on. How could he possibly know about Archie's crime fighting exploits unless Archie tells him?

- Oh, please, Veronica! You have two papers due? School doesn't matter! Fuck off with this pretence of being concerned at all with school.

- So Ronnie's goal is to ensure that her mom gets out of jail while Hiram rots in his, when Hiram clearly admitted and demonstrated that he can come and go from jail as he pleases. So, Ronnie's goal is moot.

- Wow! Even the letter of the law doesn't matter in Riverdale. Pop's got subpoenaed and Ronnie is going to make sure somehow that he doesn't have to testify.

- And, of course....

   
No Powerpoint or high-tech presentation. The FBI budget is so low that Charles is relegated to using an actual slides projector for his presentation. Why would any modern teenager want to become an FBI agent when they use technology from 50 years ago?

- Oh, fuck you, Betty! Just, fuck this show! I knew that she would guess who the serial killers were because she just has to be written as being that damn good because it's innate. Archie is indestructible....Jughead's a genius.....Betty is just that naturally good at everything.....and Ronnie can pull piles of money out of her ass without fail. These characters are so fucking annoying!

- Oh, fuck me!

Not this stupid "serial killer gene" business again! I thought we were done with this ridiculous storyline.

- LOL! So the comic cost $4.99.....Archie hands him a $5....and Mad Dog tells the guy to "keep the change." What a stupid thing to say! And does Riverdale not charge sales tax on items?

- Okay, what the fuck is this now? Jughead is like completely fan-girling over these books and the author of these books. Look, I like books too but I'm not drooling over an author about them! And he's coming off like a serious ass kisser now.

- Ya know, Dark Rose asked what's the most ridiculous thing that has happened on this show. That's hard to answer....but this "serial killer gene" nonsense is up there.

- They were two guys with a tire iron.....and yet they ran away from this?

As Ledger's Joker once said:

- When that kid asked "aren't you seniors?"....I thought he was going to ask why Archie and Mad Dog aren't in school! I would have given mad respect to that kid for that!

- And why is this FBI course starting off with serial killers? Like, there's a hell of a lot more to being a FBI agent that catching serial killers.

- What a minute....I don't remember this at all from last season.

What....is this a deleted scene? Is this a scene where we find out that Betty killed their beloved cat, Caramel? When the hell did this happen?

- I know so little about legal proceedings, but I do know that they can't just present a piece of evidence without the defence learning about it beforehand. It should not have been a surprise at all that Hermione's name was on the lease for that cabin.

- Damn, I'm surprised they're acknowledging this about Hermione.

This is when Hermione turned evil for that brief moment when she had a fling with that young sheriff and then shot him to death!

- "There's no magic wand that can make this go away."
"What if there were one."
Because Ronnie can make anything happen. She's just that damn good!

- Okay, what the fuck is it with this show and animal cruelty?

Betty stones a cat to death. Cheryl pounds a rat to death with a massive book in some previous episode. Is this a Cooper thing? These people suck!

- If I were Governor Dooley, I'd seriously try and find a way to put out a hit on Ronnie. She's been a lot more trouble than anything he's had to deal with in his career.

- Well, what a coinkidink!

I never, in a million years, would have guessed that Jug would get the 'murderer' card. Never!

- Why are they all clapping at the girl's horrible death performance? This is the worst Murder Mystery game I've ever seen. I've played some really good ones in the past....this one sucks! It makes no sense. How did Jug win? He just touched people. What a stupid game! And that's pretty bad for a bunch of high society folks who could splash out some money for a good Murder Mystery party!

- I'm sorry....but I couldn't help but laugh throughout that whole story that Betty was recounting about her cat. 

Fuck, maybe I'VE got the serial killer gene! But this is just so stupid that I just burst out laughing when she got that rock and killed her cat with it! And the sound the cat made was what put it over. It's all so contrived.

- Public urination. Yeah, Archie runs with a swell bunch of people!

- Interesting....so Archie is there "every morning" and he locks up "every night." So when the hell DOES HE GO TO SCHOOL?!?

- I loved that speech by Bret. "You're not here because of your talent. The admissions committee....none of them have read a single word you've ever written. You're a statistic." Brilliant!

- So Jug has anger issues now too. Has Archie infected the lot of them with the Stupid disease or something? They all act like Archie now. They all figure to solve their problems by beating it to death!

- What is Reggie doing there with Archie and Mad Dog? He hasn't been seen the entire episode up until now.

- "My friendly advice to you is...get out of my way!" How is this, in any way shape or form, an admirable quality in Archie? Talking to business owners like that who have a problem with the way he manages his youth centre. His dad could have easily been one of those people! Would his dad be proud? I think not!

- What I don't get is....Hiram GAVE that centre to Archie. Can't he just take it away at like the drop of a hat? 

- I love how simple it is for Jug, IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SCHOOL YEAR, to transfer to Stonewall Prep and when he decides he doesn't like it, decides he wants to go back to Riverdale like it's no big deal. Never mind that the two schools have two completely different curriculum and he'd be essentially starting from scratch to catch up. But then again, Riverdale curriculum is apparently for stupid people so a genius like Jughead should have no problem catching up. I forgot.

- So FP admits he didn't graduate high school. Don't you at least need a high school diploma to be in law enforcement, let alone be the fucking sheriff?!?

- "It's too easy for me."

I can't believe Betty said that about the FBI program! What the fuck is it with these super human characters?

- Of course Charles has the serial killer gene. Because of course he does!

- "Whatever Hiram is paying you....I'll double it." WITH WHAT MONEY, VERONICA?!?

- Sigh!

  

So Hiram has another daughter. Hermosa. And we've never seen or heard of her before because of reasons!

- So it's only now that Charles revealed he has the stupid gene.....I mean, the serial killer gene.....that Betty wants to investigate who Charles is. The sheer hypocrisy of it all is amazing considering SHE has the serial killer gene and has actually been involved in murder but she's being all judgy and wants to know more about Charles. Fuck her!

- Heaven, give me strength!

How and why is Archie's voice different? HE'S NOT BATMAN!!!

- And now he disappears like Batman! So it wasn't enough that Archie was Super Cena....now he has to become Batman! Fuck this show!

- The surprising thing to the ending was NOT Archie, Veronica and Betty being charged with the murder of Jughead. It was the fact that they were in school....IN CLASS.....DOING CLASS WORK!!! That's the surprising thing and I'm more interested in how or why they suddenly decided to become like regular teenagers and attend school when they have barely done so up to this point!

The thing that I liked about last week's episode was completely thrown out in this week's offering. Last week, all of them got owned (except for Archie). This week, they're all becoming super human teenagers! Like seriously, Betty is suddenly too good for the FBI training program...Veronica suddenly comes up with legal manoeuvrings that even a seasoned lawyer like Mary Andrews couldn't come up with....Jughead's awesome writing abilities is getting the attention of some famous author....and of course Archie is now Batman! 

The funny thing is, most of them solve their problems with violence! They do! Betty solves her cat's pain and suffering not by taking her to a veterinarian but by killing her with a rock! Jughead seeks to solve his Bret problems by beating the shit out of him. And Archie threatens the entire neighbourhood and goes out in a mask and beats the shit out of people too! 

How are these people the good guys?